How to cope with the Empty Nest Syndrome

------published in the Women's Era, June - I  2018

The Empty Nest

As parents and more so as mothers, we spent the better part of our lives tending to and taking care of our children.  Starting from the pregnancy stage, our first and foremost concern has always been the well-being of our little ones - did they eat well, did they get enough sleep, did they get sufficient physical activity, did they do well in school, and did they make good friends, and so on. We worried endlessly, tried to protect them from hurt and rejection, encouraged them to grow, to explore newer horizons; and urged them to spread their wings.

We built a small nest – filled it with love and care and nurtured the fledglings.   We sacrificed quite a few of our own dreams and desires to keep our kids happy.  As working mothers, we opted for jobs that had flexible hours that let us spend more time with the children.  We put our careers on hold and did not pursue bigger opportunities as that would have meant leaving the home and the children.  Many of us quit our well-paying jobs just so we could be around the kids and tend to them.  Our every waking moment was spent planning their activities – driving them around, dropping them off in classes, waiting  to pick them up, preparing their favourite meals, baking cakes and pies to satisfy their sweet cravings,  rustling up quick treats to feed their and their friends’ ever-hungry stomachs. All our schedules were planned to revolve around the children’s activities. 

 

Today, the little ones have grown and morphed into young adults.  They are ready to leave the nest – to pursue higher education, to take up new jobs, to follow their dreams.  And with their going away, we are left with an empty nest.  As mothers, this is a very difficult period for all of us.  Not only do we feel the emotional vacuum but we are also at a total loss not knowing what to do with our lives.  After all, we spent a good part of twenty years ‘revolving around our sun’ and now without our ‘respective suns’, we feel totally out of place; lost in the nether world, continuing to spin but without any focus.    The sudden feeling of ‘not being wanted’ and not being important in our children’s lives catches us off-guard and shakes our confidence and our self-esteem. The raw hurt that comes from separation gnaws at our insides and may sometimes be too much to handle.

But let us not despair.  This is a situation that every mother will have to face.  This is a period that we need to plan and prepare for.  We need to think positively and with an open mind.  Here are some key actions that will help us gain control over the situation.

Life beyond parenting – Learn to spend time usefully -     The most positive outcome of the situation is that we now have plenty of time on our hands.  Our time is no more bound by our children’s schedules. We can now look forward to spending it meaningfully on activities that we had always planned to do.

Get fit and active - An able mind in an agile body is the panacea to all our problems.  Now that we have time, there can be no more excuses.  Our health and fitness is of utmost importance and now is the best time to start and adhere to a strict regimen of healthy eating and regular exercise.  We can enroll into a yoga course for regulating our breath and improving our flexibility, or we could join the local gym. (For some of us, it may be re-joining as we diligently took a membership before but ended up visiting the gym only on very few occasions).   For those of us who love to dance, we could join a Zumba class or a Pilates class to make our work-out routine interesting and fun.  Or we could just put on a pair of shoes and go for a brisk walk or take an early-morning jog. When we exercise regularly, the ‘feel-good’ endorphins get released in our brain, thus making us happy and cheerful.  All worries and anxieties are kept at bay and the stress of separation from our children can be better handled.

Pursue a hobby – We have often complained that we did not take up a hobby as there was no time.   That will no more be a valid reason.  We can now enroll and start afresh or continue from where we had paused.  It could be classical music, or dance, photography, foreign language or any other course that appeals to us.  Not only will this help us learn the art, we will also be using our time constructively.

Revive old friendships and develop social network - The importance of friends and friendships in our lives can never be overrated.   They are there for us at all times - to share our moments of glory and happiness, to lend their shoulder in our moment of grief, to yank us back to reality when we are floating on clouds of irrationality.   Due to our busy lives when caring for the children, we may have lost touch with a few of our friends.  Now is the best time to revive those old friendships.  Quite a few of them may also be in a similar situation as us and hence will be able to appreciate the importance and need to renew the bonding.  This is also a time to socialize more and make new friends – after all, we now have the time and maturity to look at situations and people meaningfully.

Take up social service - We can work as volunteers in NGOs and other associations that work on issues that we support and which we hold dear.   Most organizations may have the funds but not enough hands to execute their social projects.  Hence, our volunteering not only helps us realize our potential and boosts our self-value / morale but also helps the society at large. 

Travel more - Travel to a new place, meet new people, explore the country and cuisine, enjoy the local music, imbibe their traditions and culture -nothing broadens a person’s mind like travel does.   We now have all the time in the world to plan a long trip to far-away places, possibly those places like the Valley of Flowers which can be visited only in a certain month but which we never did thanks to being occupied with our children’s school and their activities.  We can plan that trek to the mountains to catch the brilliant and soul-stirring sunrise; we can go on a pilgrimage to all those temples that we wanted to visit but had to shelve the plan as the kids did not want to visit yet another temple town!  

Read more – We have often complained that the only time we get to read is when we use the bathroom.   But not so anymore.  Our time is our own; we can now read a book undisturbed in the comfort of our room (not bathroom!) We can bring back to life the avid and voracious readers that we once were prior to the birth of our children. 

Get a pet - Handling and taking care of a pet can do wonders to our morale and psyche.  Over the years, we have been conditioned to take care of our family and children.  A pet dog or cat kindles the caring nature in us and thus makes us feel important.  The loyalty and affection showered on us, especially by a dog, can be a very soothing and satisfying influence.  A pet helps us to find meaning with our lives and helps us stay rooted.

The empty-nest syndrome has often been misconstrued as a slightly scary phase of our life.  Let us learn to face this with an open mind.  Let us learn to embrace, respect and enjoy the new-found freedom and time.  As the age-old saying goes, “an idle mind is a devil’s workshop.”  Let us learn to lead an active and healthy lifestyle.  This is the only way we can ward off all health problems.  The empty nest certainly turns our life around; let us learn to welcome it with open arms, learn to look at it as an opportunity to live life on our terms doing the things that we always wanted to do.   

Picture credit -  all pictures have been sourced from the public domain